Kel's helpful advice
by LunaPax
Summary: Female nature is just not Kel's forte. But to the gaggle of boys she calls friends, she's their only insight into the female mind.
1. Kel's Helpful Advice

Here's a story I wrote because of writers block on Chpt 6 of WYWH (wish you   
were here). I'm using a couple of quotes from who knows where in here.   
Disclaimer: No, not mine. No that's not mine either, don't think that's mine,  
OK its official! I OWN NADA.  
  
Kel Ditches Class  
  
Kel trudged wearily toward Ivor's classroom. Lord Wyldon had been particularly hard on Kel that day, she had the bumps and bruises to show it, and she wasn't looking forward to another boring mathematics lesson.   
*Aren't I a sight * she thought, grinning, * Neal's gonna have a cow. *   
  
A black haired boy ran past her, "Come on Kel!" Seavor shouted glancing behind at her, "Your gonna be late, and I think if you add any more punishment work you'll be working well into the yearly break!" Then he dashed into the classroom, leaving Kel standing in the middle of the hall, listening to the sound of the bell. * I might as well take my own sweet time, I'm gonna be late even if I ran the whole way. In fact… I could probably go take a quick shower, late is as late does, but a shower is time well wasted * Deciding that a shower sounded much better then a lecture, Kel headed to her room, *after all, I'll make it to class in plenty of time for the teacher to assign punishment duties, namely mine. * And with that "happy" thought Kel unlocked her door and called for Lalasa, who was very surprised to see Kel ditching class, to heat up some water for her bath.  
  
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Kel stepped out into the empty hallway, her hair still damp, but she had rubbed some balm on her bruises, so she at least looked presentable now. * I'' gonna be in so much trouble! What was I thinking! Although… the shower DID feel really good. Slightly cold, but good. Make that great, lets just hope it was worth it * Kel took a deep breath and stepped into the classroom to find… a complete nuthouse. Owen was jumping on the desks and acting like a monkey, half the students jumped out of their seats and ran past Kel, into the hallway, the other half of the students were giving loud cheers and watching a fight that had broken out between Merric and Vinson. * I don't even wanna know * thought a dumbfounded Kel, * Why isn't Ivor stopping this? Where IS Ivor?? *   
Kel looked around the classroom, then spotted Neal talking to the teachers desk. *What the..?? * She walked over, just in time to here him say, "So you see Master Ivor, the benefits of having our Prince marry a dinosaur is this, they would raise young TRex's, who would become our army, and those flying bird thingy mobobers that you were talking about, they would be our spies, and…."Kel cleared her throat impatiently, "…Mithros Kel! What did you do to yourself?! Come here."  
"yes mom." Sighed Kel, "But if I fall asleep in my next class, I'll blame it on you, see if I won't." Neal reached over, and Kel immediately felt the cool strength of his gift. "There, that wasn't so bad now was it Kel?" She shrugged, than jumped as two arms wrapped around her, and gave her a gigantic hug.   
"KEL!" shouted Ivor, "Finally! Someone normal to talk to!"  
Kel laughed, "I must warn you though, I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." Ivor looked confused, than laughed again, "Maybe not so normal, but better then THEM." He pointed to the boys in the corner, who were still fighting. "So you're not mad about me ditching half the class?" asked Kel.  
"No, of course not!" Ivor leaned in close and whispered, "If I weren't the teacher I'd ditch it all." Then he straightened up. "I've decided, that today this will be a free class, I can't teach these animals," he said, staring at Owen, who was still jumping on the desks, "so why try?"  
"Are you drunk?! Are you sick?!" asked Kel.  
Neal wasn't so polite. "Are you NUTS?!!!!"  
Ivor laughed again, "No I'm not crazy, sick of the students I guess, but not crazy. Now if you'll excuse me, these idiots are giving me a headache." He turned on his heel and walked into the backroom. Kel thought she heard a door lock. Neal looked at her, "Ok Kel, we boys need your help." Then he turned and shouted to the boys in the corner, "Hey guys! Kels gonna give us advice on girls!"  
"What? Neal I never said that…." But the crowd was forming already. * oh give it a chance Kel * she told herself * this could be fun * Kel clapped her hands together, "Class! Todays lesson will be on girls! And seeing how I am one, I will be your teacher."  
"You're a GIRL?" asked Vinson, who acted shocked, "WOW! And all this time I thought the kin had just made a mistake and let a monkey become a page. Did you hear that guys? The lumps not a monkey, it's a GIRL!"  
Kel ignored him, but let her Yamini face slide on, just in case. "I'm gonna teach you all the things you need to know about woman. 1. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." A murmer of agreement spread through the classroom. * Wow! Kel thought "2. You must believe in womans free will. There is no choice." This time she didn't wait for their response. "3. Woman don't fail. We just find thousands of things that don't work. 4. Early to rise, early to bed Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead. 5. If you treat woman right they will treat you right--ninety percent of the time. 6. Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact. 7. That which cometh from the heart goes to the heart 8. We'd rather have roses on our table than diamonds on our necks. 9. For most of history, Anonymous was a woman 10. Whatever women do they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 11. And the most important people, listen up, When all else fails, look cute" There was a stunned silence, then..  
"Could you repeat number 10?" it was a boy with dark hair, sitting in the back. So Kel did.  
"hey!" someone called out, "Were we just insulted?" Kel laughed to herself, * I was right, this IS fun * Just then the bell rang. The boys dashed out of the classroom. * It's like my mom always says, 'if you can't control them, confuse them!' * Kel started to leave the classroom, when Prince Roland walked up to her.   
"Kel" he started, "I was thinking about what you said in there, and I'm beginning to doubt the marriage my father arranged…."  
Kel looked at him, "By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."  
"Huh?"  
Kel shrugged, "heard it somewhere, most guys tell me its true."  
  
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"Kel!" barked out her teacher, "What are the two most commen elements on earth?"  
"um…" Kel could only remember one, hydrogen, but he demanded two, so she told him two, "hydrogen and stupidity." There was a chuckle from someone behind her, "but not necisarily in that order." Kel bowed and sat down.  
The teacher scowled, "Kel, what are three words of defense against all men?"  
"hold my purse?" questioned Kel, yamini face intact.  
"You will answer my questions until you get one right! Even if it means keeping the whole class here after the bell! Now, what is a conscience?"  
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns you that someone may be looking"  
"Wrong! What does a black cat crossing your path mean?"  
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."  
"Wrong! What did JB Keller decide to do?"  
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."  
"Wrong! If at first you don't suceed what should you do?"  
"If at first you don't succeed, don't take any more stupid chances."  
"Wrong! If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"  
"Most likely sir."  
"Wrong!"  
"actually, I've found that quote to be true," came voice from the door. It was Eda Bell, "I've come to take Kel out of class for a moment."  
"But she hasn't answered any questions right yet!"  
"Are you sure? Maybe all of those were right, they were her opinions of your questions. Come on Kel, lets go."  
"But that's not logical!"  
"Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority."  
Kel picked up her books and happily left the classroom, "What was it you wanted?"  
"I heard about your little "all about women" speech that you made last period."  
"How?"  
"Some of the boys were taking notes, I just happened to find some on the ground, I must say though, it's taking effect. Look." She pointed inside a classroom, where a few boys were looking at a "How to be an archeologist" book. Kel almost died laughing, Eda just grinned, "And down in the market, 5 minutes ago, I saw one of the pages trading a diamond ring for the stores entire supply of roses."  
"guys are way too impressionable."  
"What?" came a voice from behind them. "I resent that remark!" It was Neal.  
"What are you doing out of class!" hissed Kel.   
"I left to get a drink of water." He replied simply.  
"Bull."  
"ok ok, I was bored so I ditched class."  
"You did WHAT?!" kel was shocked.  
"I ditched class,"he grineed sheepishly then added, "just like you did earlier."  
Now it was Ead's turn to be amazed, "Kel, you ditched class?! And Neal, you did too?!!!!"  
"At least I had a good reason." Defended Kel, "And Neal didn't have to follow my example!"  
"No," agreed Eda, "but like you said, 'guys are way too impressionable'"  
Then they both laughed, and walked down the hallway, toward Kel's classroom, leaving a very confused Neal in their wake. * Did I miss something? * he thought, before shrugging and returning to his own classroom.  
  
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If there was any girl smashing, I apoligize. I was just in the mood for this kind of thing. R/R !!!!!!! And BTW: for any of you who read chpt 1 (and/or 2) of wish you were here nd hated it, don't worry, I think on a scale of 1- 10 that was a 1 and chpt 5 is a 6 (maybe) any way, I've definatly improved. Give me a 1-10 rating on all my fics please!!!!!  



	2. The Sequal!

I can not believe I'm doing a sequal! But I am… Please note this takes place BEFORE Squire, so no K/C pairing. Sorry folks! So what happens when the boys take Kel's advice? Oh, and I wouldn' count on a continuation of this, though its certainly possible.  
  
Kel hid a grin behind a gloved hand. It was almost time for supper, and she and the other pages had just finished training in hand to hand combat. She was sweating like a pig, and was almost certain she looked like one to. A very TALL pig, but a pig none the less. A bath would have felt like heaven, but she was more interested in the before dinner entertainment.  
  
On the other side of the training courts Neal, who just so happened to run by Lady Oline, was trying yet again to charm her. But he used different tactics this time, and Kel half pitied the girl. Neal had combed his hair and put on a new formal outfit, though when he had he time to do that was beyond her. His eyes were turned all puppy dog, and his cheeks were blushing. He reminded Kel somewhat of the baby doll her older sister had given to her for her 8th birthday. It was down right scary, he was actually reading to her the aweful poetry he had written the night before. It had hurt not only Kel's heart, but also her ears, when he had practiced it the night before.  
  
She slowly went closer, making sure to stay out of sight. Kel wanted to see Lady Oline's reaction to this new Neal. Croaching behind a tack bin, only feet away from the two, she listened as he spewed out "rhymes."  
  
"And so, dear one,  
  
I must admit you eyes are like honey,  
  
Right after the buzzing bees beheld the beautiful baby blue flower  
  
From which the honey came,  
  
Not scarred by dirts and rocks and those little green worms that I find in my apples…  
  
Now you're face on the other hand…"  
  
Kel almost died trying to stop herself from laughing. This was the part where the face became a "sun colored with broken rays." She had told him to get rid of it, but he insisted that it was his favorite line. Aparently, it wasn't Oline's. She slapped him with her purse and Neal went tumbling to the ground. Kel wondered how many stones were in there. Oline picked up her skirts and huffed away, leaving a very confused baby doll Neal and a no longer hidden Kel.  
  
"What. Are. You. Doing?" she panted between chuckles. "That. Was. Hilarious!" Finally she couldn't take it any more and she fell to her knees with laughter.  
  
Neal looked positivaly puzzeled. "I was taking your advice, When all else fails look cute! My poetry was wonderful, it must have been the dirt on my collar, I TOLD my servent to wash it but…"  
  
Kel laughed harder, "Don't worry. All bad poetry comes from genuine feeling." She assured him. Then she ran up the hill before he figured it out.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^10 minutes later…^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Neal stood on the hill, still confused. Then it clicked, "Hey! Kel… that wasn't funny!" he whined.  
  
A few onlookers tried to stifle their laughter, but failed miserably. He gave them sharp looks and ran to the dining hall, where he was greeted with he glares of hungry pages.  
  
***********Later that Night************  
  
Kel looked around at the crowded library. Pages of all years were running around the bookshelves, and a few were comparing notes. Even her friends were there, scattered around the rooms.  
  
She grabbed one of the pages, whom she recognised as a 2nd year. "What's going on? Why are so many people here?"  
  
He yanked free of her loose grip and raced off, pausing only long enough to say, "Can't talk. Busy."  
  
This, and the overwhelming amount o students here, surprised her. The teachers had been somewhat lenient, they had given enough time in class for almost every student to finish. So why was everyone here?  
  
She set down her books (just because there wasn't homework didn't mean she shouldn't study) on a back table and wandered through the crowd. Looking over the boys' shoulders she almost laughed out loud.  
  
How to be an Archeologist  
  
Archeology for Beginners  
  
How to Dig and Get Paid for it  
  
Kel noticed that the last was the most popular. 'It figures' she thought. 'Maybe I should have added 'Don't take the easy way out'' She strolled around for a while, giving a few "helpful" tips to a couple of them. But she got bored pretty quick, and moved on to find a quieter place.  
  
The halls were deserted, it seemed even the servants had better things to do. Oh well, she could always count on a good chat with Lalasa, or Roald. Of all the pages and squires in the library, he was the only one she had noticed missing. 'I suppose he must not need to look into the subject, with his arranged marriages and the like.'  
  
That was the very reason she liked to talk to him, she knew he wouldn't be drooling over the new lady at court, like all the others would.  
  
She found him in the garden, throwing stones at the lion fountain. He looked absoloutly depressed, with a hint of anger. Kel sighed and sat next to him, ignoring the looks a few jealous "ladies" of the court were sending her way. Didn't the fact that he was engaged hint anything to them?  
  
"Hey Roald," she said quietly. He jumped a little and the rock he was holding barely missed hitting one of the ladies heads. She turned to glare at him, but the two squires paied her no attention.  
  
Roald chucked another rock at the lion's head, and it neatly bounced off it's eye. A wry grin appeared on his lips, and he threw another in its wake.  
  
Kel frowned but said nothing. It was none of her business anyway, or at least that's what she thought.  
  
"You have no idea how much I hate being a prince."  
  
It was a totally out of the blue statement, but Kel bit her tounge and nodded like she understood. In truth she had no idea what he was talking about, but why let him know that? As her old Yamani professer had once said, "Tis better to nod and let be, then to tangle with explinations."  
  
Roald barely acnowledged her. His eye were fixated on a certain court beauty that had come strolling past. By the exaggerated swing in her hips, Kel knew her presence in their private conversation was no mistake on the intruders part.  
  
Roald was silent, neither encouraging or discouraging her stay. Only his eyes, trailing up and down her slender body, showed his interest. When he made no move to get up, the girl left in a huff. Surely there were more giving men then this one that she could find?  
  
Roald sighed wearily. "With girls, I don't get respect. Men will bend over backwords for my favor, but ladies will try and get me to show off to their friends. The next minute, their dumping me to prove they can."  
  
Kel considered this. She supposed it was true enough. "I had a blind date, once. I waited two hours on the corner," she offered. "A guy walked by who fitted the description. I said 'Are you Richard of Lower bend?' He said, 'Are you that warrior girl?' I said, 'Yeah.' He said, 'I'm not Richard.'"  
  
Roald laughed heartly at this, and even Kel had to crack a grin. "It wasn't so funny at the moment!" she protested in mock anger. "Though I suppose it all worked out for the best. I didn't even want to go courting."  
  
A humerous silence filled between them. Kel was halfway shocked that another court lady hadn't shown up. They always popped in at every chance, and the quiet may have meant the prince was alone.  
  
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."  
  
Kel started. "What?" she asked Roald, who shrugged.  
  
"You weren't saying anything," he informed her.  
  
"Oh."  
  
From above them, the sound of a soft music drifted from the open window. A hearty laugh followed, suggesting at a not-so-private conversation inside.  
  
"I wonder what that's about," Kel said, slowly removing her boots, which had begun to cramp her toes.  
  
Roald grimiced. "My fathers trying to butter up to the Shwakin emperor again," he told her. "Something about a peace treaty. Idiots," he groaned. "How hard is it to just not kill each other? Why must we put our morals on paper?"  
  
"Be careful whose toes you step on today," she warned her friend. "They might be attached to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow." Kel had now completely discarded her shoes, and was working on her socks. "Treaties simply pass on the wisdom of our forefathers."  
  
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity," the prince spat. "These treaties never work anyway, remember Scanra?"  
  
Kel did remember. Thirty years ago the rival lands had drawn up a treaty, stating that no attack of any sort would be made by either party. It lasted three weeks, until, at a dinner party, a Scanra guest had been offended by a Tortallian's comment. "Verbal abuse!" he had moaned loudly. The Scanras had declared the treaty broken, and Tortall had had to give up an acre of land.  
  
"Deja Moo," she told him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"The feeling that you've heard this bull before."  
  
While the prince laughed, Kel rolled up the bottom of her breeches. Dipping a single toe in the fountains pool, she shivered. It was freezing. Slowly she placed both feet in and grabbed her boot. Dipping it into the water she filled it, like she had seen many village ladies do at wells.  
  
"Hey Roald," she called.  
  
Her friend turned around. His eyes widened with shock when her saw her knee deep in icy water. "Isn't that freezin—" he managed to say before she emptied the contents of her soaked boot onto his head. Sputtering, he spat some of the water onto the ground. His tunic showed dark spots, and his hair was flattened against his forehead.  
  
Kel studied him. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed," she informed him with a Yamani look.  
  
He glared at her, the cold beginning to wear through his patience. "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet its hard to pronounce!"  
  
Kel bowed formally, sweeping one arm behind her and bending until her nose touched her knees. "Whatever you say, my prince---hey!"  
  
She whipped her head up to find Roald smiling madly through blue lips. In his hand he clenched her other boot, already used as a bucket to rain water down her tunic. He stuck a tounge out a Kel, who simply scooped up more water in the other boot. Aiming carefully, she let it loose on him.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Unbeknownst to the two knights in training, the beautiful court lady had not strayed so far. Indeed, her and a small group of friends were staring wistfully through the branches that hid them. Each girl wished they were in The Lumps place, and most were saying so.  
  
"Whats she got that we don't?" asked one of them, a blonde haired dimwit named Raachel.  
  
"Men's taste seem to be getting worse and worse," agreed another.  
  
"She doesn't even moisterize! Look at her nails, for Mithros sake!"  
  
Lorita of Boremi, the lady from before and the only one that had actually been out from behind the bush, glared ferociously at the two friends. "Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them," she muttered, focusing particularly on Keladry.  
  
Raachel of Lubric nodded in agreement, which she did no matter the topic. Everything Lorita said, Raachel considered genius. Especially on the topic of men…"I can't believe those two are courting!" she whined. "Now what are we going to do at our We Love The Prince meetings?!"  
  
Immedatly Lorita spun on her heel and stared haughtily at her companion. "I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said," Lorita spat. "The prince is courting that Yamani barbarian…"  
  
Lorita words trailed off as a particularly evil thought entered her mind. Squeling in vicous delight, she clapped her hands together. "Ladies…"she began with a giggle. "I know a sure fire way to split these two lovebirds up!" The other girls leaned in with a hush, each having their own hero worship of Lorita. "What if the word got out that Roald and The Lump were, um, fooling around?"  
  
The other girls gasped at the brilliance. "But that's lying…" protested one of them quietly.  
  
Lorita gave an unladylike snort. "Nonsense," she said. "I said they were fooling around, and what are they doing if not behaving like fools?"  
  
"Those who gossip to you will gossip of you," insisted Clarissa, a wise brunette who hung around Lorita for the sole purpose of getting a laugh.  
  
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't," Lorita retorted. "Besides, its not as if the Lump has a reputation to spoil. Why, with luck, she'll be expelled from training! Then maybe she'll start acting like a real girl."  
  
Clarissa considered this. Perhaps, for once, Lorita was right. The lady page could use some lessons of a different sort. Besides that, Clarissa had seen Keladry sneaking not-so-friendly glances at Clarissa other true love, Joren of Stone Mountain. "Alight," she agreed finally. "Lets do it!"  
  
And with that, the court ladies sped off toward the castle for a bit of fun. 


End file.
